Bootleg Reviews: Extra Sized Final Installment!

Welcome everyone to the final batch of Bootleg Reviews to be featured on this site. When I started the reviews, they were a semi-interesting insight into the bootleg culture of China, but as they continued, they became more and more irrelevant, and the same ideas about the bootlegs were being driven home: typos galore on the back, sometimes crap quality, sometimes advertisments for a completely different movie on the box. So, as a fitting send off for this increasingly irrelevant segment, I present to you this Bonus Extra Sized Final Installment, that for the first time ever... features a movie that actually has to do with China. About time, huh?

So lets get going with a rating system that was modified as necessary since last installment's vocabulary revelations:

I don't really know what it says that this installment of Bootleg Reviews came a lot quicker than the last one. But instead of musing on inane possibilities, lets get to the movies.

The Bootlegged Chinese Vocabulary/Rating System

Bang ji le - Excellent
Hen hao - Very Good

Hao - Good *
Yi ban - Meh (so-so)
Bu hao - Bad
Cha ji le - Shit

* (New rating... needed something to actually stand for what we thought Hen hao was before...)


LOST: SEASON 2

I heard a lot of negativity surrounding Season 2, but despite some missteps with the hatch storyline, I felt that this was actually a lot stronger than the first season. Especially when the castaways capture someone that may or may not be one of their enemies. It was some of the most compelling TV I've seen in a long time.

As you can see, I'm going to keep these reviews nice and short, since we have a few movies to get through. All things considered though, Lost Season 2 cemented Lost as one of my favorite shows, and if you can handle the lack of concrete answers, I can't recomend it highly enough.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: It's the same well crafted box that we had for Season 1. Bravo Chinese Bootleggers, Bravo.

Shawn's Rating: Bang ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Bang ji le


WE ARE MARSHALL

I try to avoid the mindset that all football movie are exactly the same, but too often, that's actually the case. While We Are Marshall had many of the trappings of your average sports movie, there was a lot of heart as well. The backstory of the team's tragedies kept you invested in the story, and made sure that the highlights were off the field instead of during the game day footage.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Nothing doing here unfortunately.

Shawn's Rating: Hao
Corey's Two Cents: Hao

LOST: SEASON 3

After the second season wrapped, we were glad that season three was floating around the foreign teachers' apartments. As it stands, this is easily the best of the seasons. The DVD itself didn't have the complete season, but that's what the internet is for I guess.

The problem is, this is when Lost is going to get maddening. It had one of the best season ending cliffhangers I've seen in a while, and for the first time for this series, I'll have to wait a while on it.

In this season, you can clearly see what the show creators have been building too, and it all comes together wonderfully. The only problem is that it leaves you craving whatever comes next.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Unlike the previous two, complete, seasons this dvd box seems to be a left over Beta Tape box with some plastic shoved inside, and then the DVDs. Very... creative... packaging:

Shawn's Rating: Bang ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Bang ji le


SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

Pirates of the Carribean 3 was crap quality. So was Shrek 3. This left me cornered and trapped, and Corey sprung with Sleepless in Seattle. I've experienced a few of these types of movies before. They're called chick flicks for a reason, so I had no reason to think I would like this one. But the word "classic" was tossed around a lot for this film, so I let myself think... hey, maybe this won't be too horrible.

Boy was I wrong. I don't see how anyone can like this movie. It's completely contrived, the character's motivations make no sense, and Meg Ryan is sort of a bitch. Really, this movie is just bad.

And you know what... if I was a girly girl, I'd still be pissed off. They don't even kiss at the end. I mean, even I noticed that.

At least when all was said and done, Corey agreed with me that this movie sort of blows.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Nada. Boring, normal box for a boring, normal movie.

Shawn's Rating: Cha ji le

Corey's Two Cents: Bu Hao

BLACK SNAKE MOAN

Easily the best movie ever with Christina Ricci chained to a radiator. This one is a hard movie to peg down, mainly because it's so strange. But at the end of the day, the story of Samuel L. Jackson trying to cure Christina Ricci of her wickedness through the power of the blues and the strength of the radiator she's chained to, is an affecting and effctive film that really takes you inside one of the stranger relationships ever put on film.

Not the strangest mind you. Keep on reading for that one.

Black Snake Moan is a very different movie, and a good one at that.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Aside from some of the coolest cover art ever, there isn't any Bootleg fun to be found here.

Shawn's Rating: Hen Hao
Corey's Two Cents: Hao

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: AT WORLD'S END

Wow, talk about missteps. While not quite the disaster that Spider-Man 3 was, At World's End seems to have forgotten all about what made the original Pirates movie so magical. Here, we have an overlong movie with too much plot for its own good. Not that I don't like my movies with a good plot, but when the storylines start weiging down a film it becames painfully obvious.

There is still good to be found in the almost three hours of film. Davey Jones is still cool looking, even going ashore in a bucket of water. And Monkey Jack has some good scenes as well. And lest we forget the best part of this franchise: Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow, who's scenes make this whole movie worthwhile, even if it spends way too much time on the ever-boring Kiera Knightly and Orlando Bloom.

At least the movie ends strong with the teasing possibility that the story may go on, and refocus itself on Sparrow.

Here's hoping.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Since this was borrowed, I didn't get a good look at the box. I did have three previous boxes to peruse of course, but those were terrible quality so they got tossed before I got a chance to look them over. This DVD, while still fairly poor quality also had a bunch of other blockbusters spread out over the course of two discs. No need to watch more crap movies in crap quality though. Onward!

Shawn's Rating: Yi Ban
Corey's Two Cents: Cha Ji Le


LEON - THE PROFESSIONAL



Remember what I said before about Black Snake Moan being one of the weirdest relationships in a movie ever? That doesn't hold a candle to this one. Remember what I said about Sleepless In Seattle being considered a classic? This right here is a true classic. Oh yeah, and it's a better love story too.

Natalie Portman's role as a tragic preteen drawn into the world of "cleaning" is a strong start to what became a very strong movie career, but this movie really belongs to Jean Reno who plays the classic "badass with a heart of gold" to a T. If you've overlooked or missed this one, it's a great movie that I recommend whole heartedly.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Old enough of a movie for them to get it right it would seem...

Shawn's Rating: Bang Ji Le
Corey's Two Cents: Hen Hao


THE PAINTED VEIL



And for my last review here, I figured what the hell, might as well finally talk about a movie that actually has something to do with China.

As far as period drama/romances go, this one is slightly above average I guess, but the real joy of watching this movie was picking out the bits of Chinese that Edward Norton throws out.

I know it's a serious and somber film about the Cholera Epidemic in China, but there's something about hearing Norton say "Jigga Shuai Bu Hao" that had me laughing for a good chunk of it.

The beautiful scenery also helped get me even more excited for my upcoming trip along the Yang Zi River with my family.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: This is one of those movies that was actually released in China, so they got it right here. Still a bootleg of course.

Shawn's Rating: Yi Ban
Corey's Two Cents: Hen Hao

And that's our show ladies and gentlemen. I hope you enjoyed this feature while it lasted, and stay tuned. I know Corey and I have been slacking on the posts as of late, but expect a bunch of interesting updates in the coming days.

Good night, and good luck.
- Shawn

Bootleg Reviews: Love Actually, Lost: Season 1, Hot Fuzz, and Jackass: Number Two

I don't really know what it says that this installment of Bootleg Reviews came a lot quicker than the last one. But instead of musing on inane possibilities, lets get to the movies.

The Bootlegged Chinese Vocabulary/Rating System

Bang ji le - Excellent
Hen hao - Very Good *
Yi ban - Meh (so-so)
Bu hao - Bad
Cha ji le - Shit

* (Chinese lessons have revealed the actual meaning here... we'll just go with it...)


Love Actually



For a movie I had absolutely no desire to see, I have to be honest and say that Love Actually was umm... Actually a pleasant surprise. It's a genuine, heartfelt romantic comedy that at no point feels like a chick flick. And that's saying a lot.

One of my primary reasons for dreading this film is Hugh Grant as one of the ensemble stars. I hate Hugh Grant. A lot. But he was actually fun to watch in this movie, and at no moment did I want him dead. And that's saying a lot.

Love Actually is a lot of fun and actually makes you feel for characters that never seem to be boring cardboard cutouts. Three storylines worth keeping an eye out for are a couple that meet while assisting in the pre-production of a porn film, an English Lad who had the epiphany that English girls are too stuck up for him, and he must go on an epic quest to America, and lastly the newly elected Prime Minister (Grant) who is looking for love in the... whatever passes for the British version of the White House. God, I'm such an American. And for an American to thoroughly enjoy a British romantic comedy well... that's saying a lot.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Seems to be just as much a Chinese bootleg, as it is a Japanese bootleg. Not that that's particularly interesting. Oh well.

Shawn's Rating: Hen hao
Corey's Two Cents: Bang ji le


Lost: Season 1



I've been using the internet to bootleg a bunch of shows that scream to be watched like 24, Heroes, The Office, and South Park. But up until now, we haven't really experienced the full on madness that is bootlegged Chinese television shows. (Although I did buy a strange 24 one that you can gander at back in our first bootleg review).

Regardless, Bianca, one of our fellow Foreign Teachers, is something of a Lost addict. She lent us the bootleg box set of Lost: Season 1, and I have to say... I'm pretty impressed. I know people get pretty crazy about it, but I could never rank it as high as something like 24 (or even the cheesy joy that is Heroes). Still, there's something about Lost that keeps drawing you back. Maybe it's the mystery of the island the characters have crashed on, but more likely it's the powerful characters themselves - all of whom have a fascinating back story told in flashbacks that are just as much the show's draws as the convoluted conundrum of the island.

If you haven't gotten caught up in Lost yet, clear up some time on your schedule and hit up the Season 1 DVDs. You won't be disappointed.

Shawn's Rating: Hen Hao
Corey's Two Cents: Bang ji le

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Man oh man, the Chinese out did themselves on this one. This is a nice package, complete with a solid box, and hastily glued on covers. A sight to behold indeed:




Hot Fuzz



Two of my all time favorite comedies are Super Troopers, and Shaun of the Dead. So when I heard that the makers of Shaun were making a cop comedy, you can imagine how stoked I was.

It's a good thing the movie delivers, because after self hyping Spider-Man 3 for myself, I needed something like this. The movie isn't a lame parody of the cop genre, but rather a cop movie itself. Just one that's slightly ridiculous and altogether tongue in cheek. A lot like Shaun of the Dead actually.

The movie isn't consistently funny, but it IS consistently good. While there are a lot of strong, and very funny jokes, the filmmakers are clearly more interested in crafting a great movie than a side splitter. And I'm just fine with that.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: The movie was graciously lent to us by Aaron, so alas, I never got a gander at the box.

Shawn's Rating: Bang ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Bang ji le


Jackass: Number Two



This was actually among the first bootlegs I bought when I got to Dalian. It's been sitting in the "to watch" pile for quite some time, because well, I've seen it already. I bought it because I knew there would come a time when the stars would be aligned, and I would NEED to see this film again.

You see, Jackass: Number Two is pretty much our generations equivalent of Citizen Kane. Only... it's better. The character drama, the innovative plot structure, the acting and of course...

Ok, ok... this movie was brought out of the "to watch" pile because it is the PERFECT movie to end a night of low key drinking with some friends. It's not a movie anyone will pass out while watching. Unless it's from disgust. Say what you will about Jackass, but it will keep you glued to the screen. Whether that's due to disgust or sheer elation is up to the person watching.

And of course, being a little bit drunk while viewing it doesn't hurt at all.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: It may look like Edward Norton, but it's all an Illusion. The movie apparently actually stars Martin Lawrence. Good trick.

Shawn's Rating: Bang ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Yi Ban

Go forth and check out these DVDs. Your life will be better off for it! Except of course Jackass : Number Two. People are only worse off for that one.

- Shawn

Bootleg Reviews: 300, Shortbus, Spider-Man 3, and The Illusionist

I know it's been a while since the last batch of these bootleg reviews, but I'd like to chalk that up to being nice and active, and making the most of this place we call China. That said, DVDs are still a way of life here, so away we go with the manly epic 300, the twisted Shortbus, the much anticipated Spider-Man 3 and The Illusionist (which for reasons unknown didn't get an adjective put in front of it).

A quick refresher on some Chinese Vocabulary/Rating System

Bang ji le - Excellent
Hen hao - Good
Yi ban - Meh (so-so)
Bu hao - Bad
Cha ji le - Shit


300



I was excited for 300 since before I came to China, but it took three bootleg DVDs before I actually secured a copy that was watchable. But it was worth the trouble.

If you've seen the trailer for 300, you'll instantly know if you'll like it or not. The review for this movie should be short and sweet because if you have an ounce of testosterone in your body, you owe it to yourself to behold the awesome might of 300.

It is raw, powerful and brutal. It is awesome. It is Sparta.

Sorry, I had to. I saw the movie a while ago, and it's still in my head.

But really, don't expect an in depth review of this one. It can, and should, be enjoyed on a simplistic, visceral level.

After you watch it, it makes you want to go out and hit something. Or someone. Repeatedly. While yelling or grunting. And that may be the highest compliment I could give to a film.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: 300, directed by Oliver Stone, staring Colin Farrell, Angelina Jolie, Val Kilmer, and Anthony Hopkin. But then three lines later, they get the director right. Close enough.

Shawn's Rating: Bang ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Hen hao


Shortbus



Despite the occasional dirty words, I do my best to keep my blog posts as all age friendly as possible. PG-13 at most. Thing is Shortbus is a movie as far removed from all age friendly as possible. It is the most graphic and sexually explicit movie I have seen outside of hardcore pornography, and in many ways more offensive. (To those offended by these sorts of things).

Of course, even those not easily offended may find Shortbus to be a hard film to digest. Not only does it show you things you've probably never even dreamed of, it makes the viewer think about them throughout the movie, and long after.

That said, despite the explicit and sometimes a little disturbing sexual imagery, I think Shortbus is an important movie that has a lot to say about the alternative youth culture in America. Namely: they're all sorts of fucked up in the head.

Kidding. Sort of.

Shortbus is not for the feint of heart, but I recommend in nontheless. At least to certain people. Sorry I can't give details though. It's not even the people that'll be repulsed I'm worried about. Those of you that want to see it shouldn't have this stuff ruined for you in advanced.

Go into Shortbus with an open mind, and expect to find that even at your most liberal, you still have a long way to go.

Shawn's Rating: Hen Hao
Corey's Two Cents: Bang ji le

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Shortbus, like a few other films that will be reviewed in later posts, was bought in Beijing. That means that I had to ditch all the boxes en route due to legal concerns at the airport. Oh well.


Spider-Man 3



I'll assume you read these movie review posts straight through and hope that you read the bit about buying DVDs in Beijing. Our friend Cody from Syracuse took us to this great DVD store that sells loads of great Bootlegs. We bought a few of indies like the aforementioned Shortbus, and a few others we hadn't seen in Dalian yet. I bring this up because that beautiful magical store wasn't the only place selling DVDs in the country capitol. There were dudes on the street as well. One of those dudes actually came up to us on the street with a satchel filled with flicks. While telling him to leave me alone I saw him whip out Spider-Man 3. Well golly gosh, I could have sworn that one wasn't out yet anywhere, and here's this homeless looking Chinese man offering me a copy. Skeptical yet wanting to believe, I bargained him down and scored myself a copy.

Closer inspection didn't bode so well. The pictures on the back of the box were definitely not from Spidey 3. Hell, they weren't even from Spider-Man 1 or 2. Dan Akroyd was there (top box right hand side)!



But I still held on hope. I opened the package, and low and behold, they couldn't even be bothered to put in a DVD fakely labeled Spider-Man 3. It was a film named Goya's Ghost. Never heard of it. Definitely not Spider-Man.



Although I was slightly crushed, I just shrugged it off. T.I.C. I'll just grab a new bootleg in Dalian when the movie comes out. Or at least, that was the plan before I found out that a current release movie was coming to Chinese theaters in English.

Oh yes, we actually went to see a movie in a movie theater. You have to understand, this bootleg thing is really a China only phenomenon. I love seeing movies on the huge ass screen. So this was gonna be a real treat.



We went with a bunch of the teachers, got ourselves a tub of funky tasting popcorn and sat down in an imax sized theater (even though the movie itself was regular size).

Before I get into the movie, it should be noted that despite the subtitles, for a good ten minutes or so of the movie, I completely forgot I was in China - which was a weird feeling.

So anyway, my most anticipated movie of the year: Spider-Man 3. People know that I'm a huge nerd and a big Spider-Man fan, so that should be no surprise to anyone. So it should also come as no surprise to those of you that've seen the movie (which judging by the numbers at home is everyone) that I was incredibly disappointed.

I can tolerate dark emo Peter Parker (sort of funny). I can deal with Sandman killing Uncle Ben (not that big of a nerd). I can even accept the weird eXtreme snowboarder costume they gave Harry "The New Goblin" Osborne. But two musical numbers and two dance numbers taking up valuable time that could have been otherwise been filled by the criminally underused and underdeveloped Venom? Really? Why!

The parts that were good, were really good. The problem is that in retrospect I find myself thinking too much about the movie's shortcomings. The real crime is that it had so much going for it, and it just fell flat on its face.

Basically: Venom was cool, Sandman was cool, Harry was cool, the effects were cool, the weird skinny girl next door was cool, Gwen Stacy was a waste, the singing was a waste, the dancing was unbearable, and our hero Peter Parker porkered himself up a few pounds... which doesn't really make much sense if he's swinging around the city all the time.

All that said, I'll still be excited if they make a 4th.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: See above.

Shawn's Rating: Yi Ban
Corey's Two Cents: Yi Ban


The Illusionist



While it didn't take three tries to get The Illusionist to work, it did take two. The first copy stopped five minutes into the film building up some decent hype and hope for the movie.

If I recall correctly, and I do, The Illusionist came out around the same time as The Prestige - one of my favorite movies. Two magic films out at the same time will naturally draw comparisons, and that may be The Illusionists ultimate downfall. It's just nowhere near as good.

But I'll quickly try and review it on its own merit. It's a well crafted story that keeps you hooked. The final payoff was a bit too simple for me, but it works well within the story.

The Illusinist is a decent movie worth watching if you're in the mood for something light and enjoyable. But if you want a good magical mystery, I'll have to ignore what I said about trying not to compare it to The Prestige, and recommend the other instead.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: It may look like Edward Norton, but it's all an Illusion. The movie apparently actually stars Martin Lawrence. Good trick.

Shawn's Rating: Yi Ban
Corey's Two Cents: Yi Ban

Hope you enjoyed that, and check out some of the movies. If you've seen them already, let me know what you think!

Come back tomorrow (or later tonight depending on your timezone) for another update. This one involving stick based martial arts!

- Shawn

Bootleg Reviews: Rocky Balboa, Donnie Brasco, Blood Diamond, and Man Of The Year

Welcome one and all to our second installment of bootleg reviews. As I said last time, bootlegs are such a big part of "Out of Towner" life here in China that well... it definitely deserves an occasional post in its honor.

Before we rock and roll on a new batch of street-bought fun, here's a quick reminder of the rating system:

Bang ji le - Excellent
Hen hao - Good
Yi ban - Meh (so-so)
Bu hao - Bad
Cha ji le - Shit


ROCKY BALBOA



Ah Rocky 6. I had wanted to see you for so long, but somehow, no one wanted to go see it with me. Despite being an American classic, maybe Rocky 5 left such a bad taste in people's mouths that the couldn't be bothered to accompany me on a $10 trip to the movies. But buying it for cheap in a strange locker in the basement of a mall cuts through many people's first line of defense excuses. In other words: Corey didn't have a choice any more.

So clearly I was looking forward to this one... but did it live up to the hype?

Yes.

It was really a damn good movie, having everything you'd want in a Rocky movie, and a healthy dose of heart to it.

The real question at the heart of any Rocky review would be: Where does it fall in the grand scheme of the Rocky Saga? Well... it's tough. Clearly, it could never dethrone the Cold War parabolic greatness of Rocky 4 (I WILL BREAK YOU!). But I would say it's easily on par with Rocky the first... making it a damn fun movie.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Turns out any movie named Rocky Balboa probably stars former WWE superstar The Rock. Oh, it's probably produced by WWE films also... Eh, close enough.

Shawn's Rating: Hen hao
Corey's Two Cents: Hen hao


DONNIE BRASCO



Much like American Beauty from last time, Donnie Brasco is just one of those modern classics that somehow passed me by. Thanks to the wide selection of old school bootlegs down the street, I was able to knock off yet another movie from my "I Can't Believe I never Saw That" list.

Also a lot like American Beauty, this movie was damn good. In different ways of course. As everyone I'm sure already knows, Donnie Brasco is one of many in a long line of great gangster movies. I'm sure everyone also knows that what makes it stand high above so many others in its class is it's classic line "Fuggehdaboutit." I mean, any movie that has a scene devoted to explaining what their classic line means (complete with Paul Giammati in a pre-stardom role), is probably a great movie.

Also, having a scene where your main characters feed hamburgers to a lion in the back seat of their car is also movie gold.

Donnie Brasco being anything less than great? Fuggehdaboutit!

(You know I had to... besides, it's still new to me.)

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Nada. Movie's old enough for them to get it right I guess.

Shawn's Rating: Bang ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Bang ji le


BLOOD DIAMOND



Blood Diamond is good. Real good. It's a movie with an important message that never gets too preachy. It hits you hard with the truths behind the diamond exchange in Africa, and never stops. If anything, it just starts hitting harder and lower.

The acting is great, the pacing is great, and the two hour plus movie never feels long.

I don't want to say too much about this one, since I have a feeling it flew under a lot of people's radars. If you dismissed it because of the subject material, give it a look anyway. If you dismissed it because of Leo... well... get over it. Just keep not seeing Titanic, and check it out.

Shawn's Rating: Bang ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Bang ji le

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: You know how Martin Scorsese directed Leonardo DiCaprio in The Departed? Well, apparently he did Blood Diamond also.


MAN OF THE YEAR



When I heard that they were making a movie about a Jon Stewart type character who runs for president, I got pretty psyched. Decently cool concept, right? Even though it had Robin Williams, who's been without a good movie since Death to Smoochie, I had fairly high hopes.

The commercials and trailers didn't do anything good for my excitement. Pretty much the exact opposite actually. It killed any thought I ever had for wanting to see the flick. Corey wanted to see it though (hadn't seen any of the promotional clips probably), so we picked this one up in the same locker as Rocky.

Well, the movie starts off interestingly enough, but quickly devolves into absolute garbage about voting machine glitches and unintelligible conspiracy theories.

Robin Williams is good, and gets off a few good lines (mixed in with a few painful groaners), but it's no where near enough to save the movie.

Not even Christopher Walken can save it.

I wanted to just give this one a "Bu hao", but considering the weakness of the second half of the movie, and just how badly they killed such a good concept (and probably any chance for a Stewart/Colbert ticket in '08) I'm going straight for the Cha ji le on this one. And I think Corey may agree (or hate it even more than me).

In short: Garbage.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Put it this way... any DVD box that has a negative review of the movie on the back should be a clear give away. Yeah, I'm being completely serious. They actually cut and pasted at least a paragraph of some bad review for the movie.
Oh yeah, and some of it is in Russian for some reason...

Shawn's Rating: Cha ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Cha ji le


Hope you found that informative or something. Check back here tomorrow for what may be the Year of the Rat's BEST BLOG POST EVER!

I kid you not.

- Shawn

Bootleg Reviews: Proof, Smokin' Aces, TMNT, and American Beauty

Bootleg movies are everywhere here. I really do mean everywhere. Remember the shady mall chase I recounted when I mentioned bootlegs last time? Well, turns out you don't need to go through all of that trouble (although you can... it is quite fun). They're on the side of the street on seemingly every street once the sun goes down.

Bootlegs are one of the primary sources of entertainment for stranded foreigners, so I figured it would be only fair to pad out the blog's post count with a new feature of Bootleg Reviews. So after every four or five digested bootlegs, expect one of these suckers.

Like any good reviewer, I have my own rating system. Well... I don't know if it can qualify as my own, many thanks go out to my good friend Louis, who provided me with the necessary translations:

Bang ji le - Excellent
Hen hao - Good
Yi ban - Meh (so-so)
Bu hao - Bad
Cha ji le - Shit

In addition, Corey has been graciously volunteered to throw in her two cents as well, so after my nonsensical write up and rating, we'll see what she thinks in a much more concise, yet equally foreign way.

So lets get to the flicks...


PROOF



All star casts are rarely enough to sell me on a movie, but hey... Jake Gyllenhall and Anthony Hopkins are alright in my book, so when Corey snagged proof, I was willing to give it a shot - even though it was a movie about math.

Now, you may think that a movie about math has to be boring as hell, and you know what... it'd appear that you're completely right.

I barely remember the movie, but I remember enough to tell you that this movie is about as predictable as they come, and the only redeeming quality is... ummm... I guess it keeps you interested enough to hope that something resembling a twist is coming. But it never does. And it's about math. That'll lose you points no matter what.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: On the back of the box, under the (surprisingly) coherent description of the movie, we are treated to a description of the special features to be found on Desperado and El Mariachi. Oh, and when it comes to the cast breakdown, it changes to some direct to video Seven Segal cast list.

Shawn's Rating: Bu hao
Corey's Two Cents: Yi ban


SMOKIN' ACES



Remember that bit about an all star cast that I mentioned in the above review? Well screw Proof, Smokin' Aces is your one stop shop for a really packed line up of celebrity stars and cameos.

But like I said before, I'm not too impressed by a cast list.

I guess it's a good thing then that Smokin' Aces delivers. The movie is pure 100% fun. Sure the plot is sort of thin, but it's enough to keep the ridiculous and over the top violence and action going, and enough to make you care about any character casualties.

Oh yeah, and Ryan Reynolds is the sexiest man alive. I feel confident saying that.

It's also got Ari from Entourage. I'd say it's probably hard not to like this one.

Basically, see this movie. If you liked Boondock Saints, or hated Proof, this movie is for you. Rent it, snag a bootleg, buy it if you're so inclined just trust me and see it. You'll never enjoy watching neo-nazi assassins kill people with chainsaws as much as with this one.

Special thanks to Aaron for lending us this one. We owe ya 300 mate.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Nothing too spectacular here, but the bottom of the back changes to the "Accepted" cast list and bonus features.

Shawn's Rating: Bang ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Bang ji le


TMNT



So not every bootleg watched in China is bought on the side of the street and haggled over with a calculator. Some are downloaded from the good 'ol fashioned internet. Mainly, I use it to catch episodes of 24 and South Park that would be otherwise unavailable to me, but for this special occasion, I scored a copy of the new Ninja Turtles flick that I guess is going by the name TMNT.

Anyone that knows me knows the special place in my heart reserved for the Turtles. Pizza is my favorite food, and my favorite color is Orange thanks to Michelangelo (long before going to SU, I assure you). So suffice to say, I had high hopes for this one.

Largely, it delivers. It isn't the best movie ever by any means, but it hit all the notes I wanted it to (besides a Vanilla Ice cameo... where where they on that?). The animation is slick and cool, but maybe a little too video game like (so says Corey, and I'm inclined to agree).

I'm letting you know right now that due to lived up to nostalgia factor alone, I'm gonna give this bad boy a very high score. The plot outside the reuniting of the turtles is... thin, but all is forgiven thanks to a draw droppingly badass fight between Leonardo and Raphael that the little kid in me has been waiting for for well over a decade. It delivers, and this movie is awesome. Done and done.

Shawn's Rating: Bang ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Hen hao (probably a more realistic rating here)


AMERICAN BEAUTY



American Beauty is one of those movies that everyone in the world besides me has seen. Corey was kind enough to snag this one up off the street to show me what I had been missing out on.

And damn, I had been missing out. Beyond all the parodies that were in my head, I had little to no idea what the movie was about, so I was pleasantly surprised by all of it.

I'm going to spare everyone the long winded write up here since everyone has already seen this one, and already probably loves it.

And it's deserving of all the love, and all the Kevin Spacey, that it has.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Oh man... it'd seem as though this movie is old enough for the bootleggers to get their act together on this one. I can see no glaring or even moderately hilarious errors here... oh well.


Well, that's it for this installment folks but as a special treat in honor of this new feature, and because American Beauty didn't have a screwed up box, I present to you this nugget of greatness I picked up on the street.

I hear this show is HUGE in America.





Twenty Six??

Where'd they get that one?

- Shawn