Ha Ha Huh? (Chinese Jokes and Games)

President Bush, President Putin, and President Hu are hunting in a dark forest. Suddenly, they are jumped by a pack of evil wolves. The wolves threaten to eat/kill/do unpleasant things to them, but the world leaders are ready to offer whatever they have on themselves to get away. Bush reaches into his pocket and pulls out an incredible sum of cash. He tells the wolves that if they let him go, he will give them them the money. The wolves take the cash, and President Bush runs to freedom. President Putin goes digging through his pockets. All he can come up with is a brochure filled with beautiful girls, but he offers them to the wolves in marriage if they let him go. They accept, and Putin is freed. President Hu nervously seaches what he has on him. He says "I'm sorry, but all I have here are my communist party papers." The wolves stare for a minute, and then bow down to him. Then they thank him. "Thank you sir for giving us direction in life."

Ha.

Ha.

Huh?

The above ummm... joke... is paraphrased from my C13 English class last weekend. We were discussing jokes and humor, and I figured this one should be shared with the blog reading audience. You deserve it, you really do.

On an only somewhat related note, in another class from last weekend, I was playing Tic Tac Toe as a review game (they get a question right, they get to mark a space... I don't waste time THAT badly that we play tic tac toe in the middle of class, I swear!) I drew the board on the floor, and as if they never saw the game before, the class went crazy. Word on the street is that the Tic Tac Toe board is remarkably similar to the character "Jing", which is the Chinese word for "Well" (the water/drinking kind of well).



Hey, it was fascinating enough to disrupt my class, it's surely fascinating enough for this blog, right?

Figured this was sort of related to the jokey, fun and games type theme of this post, so I figured I'd share these two non sequiturs together.


The more you know...
- Shawn

Pimp My Westerner

So here are a few more photos to go along with Shawn's post about our exciting, yet not first venture into promotional work here in China.

Team A gears up for the festivities
Dalian, China

Team B during the 'Bust-a-few-moves' competition.
Dalian, China

The 'Every man for him/herself Balloon popping game'
Dalian, China

Learning dumpling techniques the Wal-Mart way.
Dalian, China

Final results before cooking
Dalian, China

On another note, here are a few pictures I took earlier in the day before our Wal-Mart antics.

Angel fish at the street market near our school
Dalian, China

View of the city, towards Hei Shi Jiao
Dalian, China

Wal-Mart Publicity Monkeys

In my last post, I talked about how we foreign teachers were trotted out to a conference all in Chinese so that our boss can pretend that we do something that we most assuredly do not. That wasn't the first time the fact that we aren't Chinese has been used to promote something, and we all knew full well that it wouldn't be the last.

A few weeks ago, Bianca told us all that her Chinese tutor has some sort of contact at Wal-Mart that was looking for some foreigners for some sort of mysterious event at one of Dalian's Wal-Marts. We heard the words games and TV, and inferred the words "free stuff", so the hearty staff of Future 2 agreed to show up and show our western faces.

Having experienced it, I'm still no clearer on what exactly this mysterious event was for. But I do know that what it essentially was was a "lets embarrass a bunch of westerners in the middle of our store as entertainment for our shoppers." Or something like that.

Without any explanation for why we were there (someone mumbled something about a "second opening", but I don't really know what that is...), we were divided into two teams, and promptly entered into competition.

Round 1 was Emily, the Chinese tutor whipping out random Chinese words that we couldn't possibly know, and we had to guess at them. Ummm... yeah.

Round 2 was a contest where the teams in two lines had to start a dance, with each person adding a new move as it went along. You can imagine how that went.



In Round 3, they played a song by Chinese superstar Jay Chow, and we had to sing a line from the song. Why? I mean, the crowd sure thought it was funny watching us try.

Round 4 was similar, as they recited some lame ancient Chinese poetry about moonlight on your bed (in Chinese of course), and we had to recite it. Exciting I know.

But I will curb my sarcasm for Round 5. We all had balloons strapped to our ankles, and had to engage in Balloon Warfare in the middle of a Chinese Wal-Mart. I'd show you a picture, but why bother? Here's a video!



After all that excitement, we got to try our hand at making dumplings, which was a fun experiment in failure. The best part was when the Chinese shoppers started pushing and shoving to see what was going on, and then pushed and shoved us out of the way to show us how it was SUPPOSED to be done. One woman reached in and opened up all the ones I made, only to reclose them to her liking.

Hence, the T.I.C. label on this post.

There were no TV cameras, but we did in fact get free stuff. A bag of unwanted Wal-Mart merchandise including a piggy bank and a toothbrush.

I have absolutely no idea what happened today, but it sure was fun.

- Shawn

OH YEAH! And come back tomorrow for a whole slew of pictures of the shenanigans from Corey. I assure you, they're not to be missed.

The World New County Economic Forum

Over the course of my employment at Future 2, I've been involved in some... strange... extra activities that have close to nothing to do with what I was hired to do. From my "promotional" adventures, to correcting translations for business plans, things are never boring here. But yesterday was by far the strangest thing I was asked to do yet.

First some background. Future 2, the branch of Aston English that we work for is (as far as I know) the only Franchised school in Dalian. It is owned and run by our principal Michael, who is also a used car salesman. And he is also apparently involved in the Chinese Information Technologies world, as he is starting a Linux training school (and a Japanese Business school) in the back of our school.

Despite knowing this, it was quite the surprise to my coworkers and I when we were told that to make up some missing hours in our week we would be VIPs at a mysterious conference. Even though it has nothing to do with our job in any way imaginable, we didn't put up a fight because A - we were most assuredly under hours, B - these random things we're "asked" to do always lead to a great story, and C - We were told there was a banquet in the evening.

So off to the mystery conference we went.



I've long ago learned to not expect any coherent or straight explanations from Tommy, our school manager, but the conference really didn't have anything to do with IT, but rather the Chinese Economy. It was also completely in Chinese. Yeah. Exactly.

At least it was at one of the fanciest hotels in Dalian. And by fancy, I mean it puts the Waldorf to shame.

And really, it wasn't all bad. Not being able to understand anything gave us all the opportunity to revisit old doodle favorites such as Dots and M.A.S.H. Who would have thought if you send a bunch of teachers to a conference, they'd start playing the same games that middle schoolers play in class.

Leafing through the conference's program, I found out exactly why we were there. The pictures of all the foreign teachers were there, with the implication that we work for one of Michael's many other companies. I don't know... last I checked, I taught Chinese kids the difference between toes and a nose... pretty close to "A Warm Hearted Team for Conference Service"



Oh yeah, and they spelled Corey's name wrong. Twice.

I guess that's what happens when they don't run these things by you.

But none of this matters. Really, I don't mind being used as part of an elaborate lie to show that foreigners are doing things we most assuredly aren't. And why is that you may ask?

Because of the aforementioned banquette. It turned out to be a gourmet western buffet, that was an unimaginably delicious treat at the end of a long day of speeches in Chinese. I don't want to go on and on about the food, so suffice to say begin to end, it was a nonstop joyride for your pallet. Lasagna, cooked to order steaks, mexican potatoes, breads, curried everything, and fruits from near and far! They even had make your own sundays, gummies, and cakes galore for desert! Ok, I'm stopping myself.





All in all, it was a strange day, but what the hell, we got fed quite well... and everyone knows the best way to get foreigners to cooperate on a really strange con/scam/business endeavor, is through their stomaches.

I'm off to continue digesting!
- Shawn

Bootleg Reviews: Extra Sized Final Installment!

Welcome everyone to the final batch of Bootleg Reviews to be featured on this site. When I started the reviews, they were a semi-interesting insight into the bootleg culture of China, but as they continued, they became more and more irrelevant, and the same ideas about the bootlegs were being driven home: typos galore on the back, sometimes crap quality, sometimes advertisments for a completely different movie on the box. So, as a fitting send off for this increasingly irrelevant segment, I present to you this Bonus Extra Sized Final Installment, that for the first time ever... features a movie that actually has to do with China. About time, huh?

So lets get going with a rating system that was modified as necessary since last installment's vocabulary revelations:

I don't really know what it says that this installment of Bootleg Reviews came a lot quicker than the last one. But instead of musing on inane possibilities, lets get to the movies.

The Bootlegged Chinese Vocabulary/Rating System

Bang ji le - Excellent
Hen hao - Very Good

Hao - Good *
Yi ban - Meh (so-so)
Bu hao - Bad
Cha ji le - Shit

* (New rating... needed something to actually stand for what we thought Hen hao was before...)


LOST: SEASON 2

I heard a lot of negativity surrounding Season 2, but despite some missteps with the hatch storyline, I felt that this was actually a lot stronger than the first season. Especially when the castaways capture someone that may or may not be one of their enemies. It was some of the most compelling TV I've seen in a long time.

As you can see, I'm going to keep these reviews nice and short, since we have a few movies to get through. All things considered though, Lost Season 2 cemented Lost as one of my favorite shows, and if you can handle the lack of concrete answers, I can't recomend it highly enough.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: It's the same well crafted box that we had for Season 1. Bravo Chinese Bootleggers, Bravo.

Shawn's Rating: Bang ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Bang ji le


WE ARE MARSHALL

I try to avoid the mindset that all football movie are exactly the same, but too often, that's actually the case. While We Are Marshall had many of the trappings of your average sports movie, there was a lot of heart as well. The backstory of the team's tragedies kept you invested in the story, and made sure that the highlights were off the field instead of during the game day footage.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Nothing doing here unfortunately.

Shawn's Rating: Hao
Corey's Two Cents: Hao

LOST: SEASON 3

After the second season wrapped, we were glad that season three was floating around the foreign teachers' apartments. As it stands, this is easily the best of the seasons. The DVD itself didn't have the complete season, but that's what the internet is for I guess.

The problem is, this is when Lost is going to get maddening. It had one of the best season ending cliffhangers I've seen in a while, and for the first time for this series, I'll have to wait a while on it.

In this season, you can clearly see what the show creators have been building too, and it all comes together wonderfully. The only problem is that it leaves you craving whatever comes next.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Unlike the previous two, complete, seasons this dvd box seems to be a left over Beta Tape box with some plastic shoved inside, and then the DVDs. Very... creative... packaging:

Shawn's Rating: Bang ji le
Corey's Two Cents: Bang ji le


SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

Pirates of the Carribean 3 was crap quality. So was Shrek 3. This left me cornered and trapped, and Corey sprung with Sleepless in Seattle. I've experienced a few of these types of movies before. They're called chick flicks for a reason, so I had no reason to think I would like this one. But the word "classic" was tossed around a lot for this film, so I let myself think... hey, maybe this won't be too horrible.

Boy was I wrong. I don't see how anyone can like this movie. It's completely contrived, the character's motivations make no sense, and Meg Ryan is sort of a bitch. Really, this movie is just bad.

And you know what... if I was a girly girl, I'd still be pissed off. They don't even kiss at the end. I mean, even I noticed that.

At least when all was said and done, Corey agreed with me that this movie sort of blows.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Nada. Boring, normal box for a boring, normal movie.

Shawn's Rating: Cha ji le

Corey's Two Cents: Bu Hao

BLACK SNAKE MOAN

Easily the best movie ever with Christina Ricci chained to a radiator. This one is a hard movie to peg down, mainly because it's so strange. But at the end of the day, the story of Samuel L. Jackson trying to cure Christina Ricci of her wickedness through the power of the blues and the strength of the radiator she's chained to, is an affecting and effctive film that really takes you inside one of the stranger relationships ever put on film.

Not the strangest mind you. Keep on reading for that one.

Black Snake Moan is a very different movie, and a good one at that.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Aside from some of the coolest cover art ever, there isn't any Bootleg fun to be found here.

Shawn's Rating: Hen Hao
Corey's Two Cents: Hao

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: AT WORLD'S END

Wow, talk about missteps. While not quite the disaster that Spider-Man 3 was, At World's End seems to have forgotten all about what made the original Pirates movie so magical. Here, we have an overlong movie with too much plot for its own good. Not that I don't like my movies with a good plot, but when the storylines start weiging down a film it becames painfully obvious.

There is still good to be found in the almost three hours of film. Davey Jones is still cool looking, even going ashore in a bucket of water. And Monkey Jack has some good scenes as well. And lest we forget the best part of this franchise: Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow, who's scenes make this whole movie worthwhile, even if it spends way too much time on the ever-boring Kiera Knightly and Orlando Bloom.

At least the movie ends strong with the teasing possibility that the story may go on, and refocus itself on Sparrow.

Here's hoping.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Since this was borrowed, I didn't get a good look at the box. I did have three previous boxes to peruse of course, but those were terrible quality so they got tossed before I got a chance to look them over. This DVD, while still fairly poor quality also had a bunch of other blockbusters spread out over the course of two discs. No need to watch more crap movies in crap quality though. Onward!

Shawn's Rating: Yi Ban
Corey's Two Cents: Cha Ji Le


LEON - THE PROFESSIONAL



Remember what I said before about Black Snake Moan being one of the weirdest relationships in a movie ever? That doesn't hold a candle to this one. Remember what I said about Sleepless In Seattle being considered a classic? This right here is a true classic. Oh yeah, and it's a better love story too.

Natalie Portman's role as a tragic preteen drawn into the world of "cleaning" is a strong start to what became a very strong movie career, but this movie really belongs to Jean Reno who plays the classic "badass with a heart of gold" to a T. If you've overlooked or missed this one, it's a great movie that I recommend whole heartedly.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: Old enough of a movie for them to get it right it would seem...

Shawn's Rating: Bang Ji Le
Corey's Two Cents: Hen Hao


THE PAINTED VEIL



And for my last review here, I figured what the hell, might as well finally talk about a movie that actually has something to do with China.

As far as period drama/romances go, this one is slightly above average I guess, but the real joy of watching this movie was picking out the bits of Chinese that Edward Norton throws out.

I know it's a serious and somber film about the Cholera Epidemic in China, but there's something about hearing Norton say "Jigga Shuai Bu Hao" that had me laughing for a good chunk of it.

The beautiful scenery also helped get me even more excited for my upcoming trip along the Yang Zi River with my family.

CHINESE BOOTLEG DVD BOX FUN: This is one of those movies that was actually released in China, so they got it right here. Still a bootleg of course.

Shawn's Rating: Yi Ban
Corey's Two Cents: Hen Hao

And that's our show ladies and gentlemen. I hope you enjoyed this feature while it lasted, and stay tuned. I know Corey and I have been slacking on the posts as of late, but expect a bunch of interesting updates in the coming days.

Good night, and good luck.
- Shawn

Parents, Lies, and Video Tape

Ok, there really aren't going to be any lies in this post, but since its been a while I wanted to catch everyone's attention with a snazzy, yet out of date pop culture reference.

This weekend at Future 2 is a sort of Open House Weekend, with parents being invited into classes to watch. I wouldn't say that I was dreading it or anything, but I surely wasn't looking forward to it. Our classrooms are all stylishly designed with giant window walls facing out into the hallway so parents can sternly stare in and complain later. Having the cranky 'rents in the back of the class can't really be much better.

Interestingly enough, it did spice things up a bit. I felt like I was performing for an audience, and wound up leading some of my more rousing classes in a while. Although I did tire myself out a lot quicker... guess I'm out of shape when it comes to teaching stamina. All in all, I think day one went well, and here's hoping that day 2 of the parent's open house stays the same... coupled with the hope that there aren't any complaints that I make fun of the kids too much in coming weeks. I mean, I have no idea why they'd think that.

Another weird monkey wrench in the normal teaching grind this weekend was the last minute (as in text message from Tommy, our manager, late last night) announcement that our classes would be video taped for unspecified purposes. It's funny how people can hide behind the language barrier when they don't want to explain something to you. I mean, they told me it was for Chinese Teacher training purposes, yet somehow when the tripod was set, it always seemed to be facing right at me. Or a window. Whatever, it's not my mysterious video.

Thing is, that class went pretty well too. Who knows, maybe the whole bit about variety and spiciness is true when it comes to a grueling class schedule. Who woulda thought?

- Shawn

Oh yeah, and if ever get my hands on the tape from today or tomorrow, I'll do my best to put up a snippet on the blog.

Shawn Abraham: Human Electronic Market

A few weeks ago, I had my iPod stolen out of my backpack. Needless to say it sucked, but hey, that sort of thing could happen anywhere, to anyone. I mean sure someone opened up my backpack, took out my iPod, and closed up my bag on the bus without me knowing, but you have to keep your head up when stupid shit like that happens.

Today, coming off the bus, someone stole my camera right out of my pocket. So forgive me while I vent. Really, this sucks ass. I don't even know what to say to be honest. It's just that two things stolen in less than a month is more than just a hassle. It's more than just the money.

I've never felt like a target here. Obviously we stand out. We don't look like anyone else, we don't act like anyone else, and I have it on good authority we rarely smell like anyone else. But aside from the awkward stares, and loosely thrown out "Hello?"s, everyone's been friendly. Even if the returned "hellos" leave them in stitches. But I guess there is a flip side to everything. We stand out to more than just the bored, friendly, and curious.

Of course, it's obviously not just because I'm foreign. My Chinese coworker Louis
had his Cell phone stolen on the same bus that my iPod was jacked. I guess petty crime like pickpocketing is "common" here. Clearly not the same situation as some friends I have in El Salvador who shall remain nameless. So yeah, I know I'm in some senses lucky. I wasn't hurt. They were only things. But dammit...

It was weird, it felt like it fell out of my pocket, I looked on the ground and couldn't see it. Then it hit me what had happened. I looked around and saw nothing but suspects. Teens running to buses old women staring at me selling newspapers and water, and this little kid. Looking back, the best version of the story I can come up with is that the old woman staring probably saw what happened and opted to say nothing. And the most likely culprit? Easy money is on the little kid. Should have gone up to him and seen what would happen. Things are always easier in hindsight. Really, it was over in two seconds. By the time I realized it was actually lifted, they could have been well out of sight.

This post isn't really going anywhere, I'm not here looking for sympathy (donations are something else of course) I just needed to get it all off my chest and vent to someone (or something) that isn't Corey before she tries to find the guy who stole my stuff and tells him to take me away also.

Hopefully I'll have picture filled posts up soon, as I'm sure you all want to see the puppy market we've discovered.

argh,
- Shawn

Carbo-Loading with Eddie the Baker

See anything interesting when peering into our chilly Chinese 'fridge? If you don't, it's probably because it's a bad picture. In that case, let me just tell you what we have going on here: You might be able to make out some Bagels (plain and whole wheat), stacked on some Ciabatta Bread, on top of Tortillas!

Yes, Corey and I have stumbled on Carbohydrate Heaven here in China. And that heaven comes in the form of a man named Eddie. Eddie the Baker, to his friends.

From the legends surrounding him, Eddie the Baker spent a good portion of his life in Canada, learning the art of Baking. As a snobby New Yorker, I'm still not sure if that makes him qualified to make Bagels, but they're passable.

Eddie the Baker currently owns a small shop under Zhongshan Park. His business seems to cater specifically to ExPats that he will deliver to all across town. Did I mention his English is perfect? Fluency when dealing with people you're giving your money to is a real treat here, let me tell you. But not as big of a treat as having Bagels and Tortillas is.

So thank you Eddie the Baker for helping to knock some things off the list of things I'm going crazy craving here. And thank you for helping to wipe the smug, bagel eating smirk off of my family's faces when they taunt me over video-chat with fresh New York Bagel goodness in their hands.

Eddie, this post is for you.

- Shawn

Daily Dalian

So I've been trying to bring my camera with me everyday and of course I'm still working on that cause, she's a biggie and I usually have a few other things as well, but this is a few snipets of what we did and saw this week in Dalian. It was a pretty quiet week, but we did have time to take in a few of the local spots. HeShiJiao has a park on the water, we walk through the markets about everyday and 'King George' is just one of our trusty animals in the neighborhood. Enjoy!!!

Fishing boats moored for the night.
Dalian, China

'King George' guarding our local 'recycling center' or midway point (still trying to figure out what exactly it is)
Dalian, China

Watermelons and cherries for sale at one of Dalian's many markets.
Dalian, China

Man smoking a cigarette in front of partial Dalian skyline
Dalian, China

Traditional Chinese box dancing at Xinghai Park
Dalian, China

Catch ya in a flash, Corey